SUMMER VACATION

It’s too nice out to rescue websites.  In the meantime there’s plenty of gems in the archives.  You know where to find me.

H.A.G.S.!

Michael Jackson: The Man

OK spoiler alert: Michael Jackson is dead.  I realize this breaking news is going to take some time to sink in.  I’m sorry you had to find out this way, they should have had some sort of public memorial service for him to honor his status as a musical and cultural icon.  Regardless, I think there is no better way to remember MJ than to visit a website that has for years existed in blissful ignorance of his steady approach towards rock bottom: a website that proudly displays its title in WordArt.

Purple? 3D? Pixelated? WordArt at its finest.

Anyway, I know what you need to begin the healing process, so please check out the following Michael animated gifs while you grieve.

Yeah, they get a little small, but that makes them perfect for making them your AIM buddy icon!

www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Set/2887/main.htm

Hip Hop Thursday: Missy Elliott

Don’t get me wrong, I think Missy Elliott rules.  She’s helped countless suburban teenagers get their grind on at both junior and senior high schools all across the country.  All I got is respect for Missy–that’s why I pay $4.99 a month to have this screensaver on my phone:

Can't not!

That said, I dunno about this fan, who may be reaching a little bit with this analogy, which is apparently part of a larger essay written for a school project.

Missy Elliott could be compared to many of the strong women we have read about in our class. Elliot is the contemporary Sojourner Truth. [sic]

Never thought about it quite like that, but sure.  You know, the third verse of “Pass that Dutch” really is way deeper than I used to think.

Pop that, pop that, make that money
Just keep it going, like the Energizer Bunny
Shake that, shake that, move it all around
Spank that, yank that, dutch back now
Freak him, freak her, whatever ya choice
Didn’t come to judge, I came to get ya moist
Scream – (WHO-DI-WHOOOOOOO!) now my voice is lost
Can I get a ride on the white horse? [horse neighing]

It’s like a classical postracial moderate neofeminist treatise all up in this!  Looks like Obama’s been studying. Yes, this was taken today.

It's all about respect.

www.angelfire.com/hiphop4/missyrespect/myles/index.blog/1120611/missy-elliott/

FEMA For Kids: El Niño

FEMA, as always, is working hard on providing children with information on today’s most pressing matters.  Now that we’ve got Y2K on lock, we can move on to something that I’ve been worried about for quite a while: El Niño.

El Niño makes me think of sombraros and chiuauas too!

Note the inexplicable use of a sombraro and chiuaua here–I suppose it’s to remind us that this is a Mexican phenomenon, and therefore both their fault and their problem.  Unfortunately this website’s description of the El Niño weather pattern is pretty accurate and concise, but, per usual, they recommend everyone keep a Disaster Supply Kit handy, in case the ghost of Jesus floods your house.  I assume that’s what El Niño is because I only read the last sentence.  Sounds about right, though.

Don't forget!

www.fema.gov/kids/elnino.htm

FOURTH OF JULY ASCII Art by Joan Stark

I’m keeping this patriotic theme alive–the stuff out there is too good.  Text-based American favorites with patriotic background music?  Doesn’t get any better than this.

Who needs jpgs when you have Courier New?

Only one thing can rival patriotic animated gifs: Patriotic ASCII images.  Lemme try one of these bad boysl…

        (
       (_)
       ###       .
       (#c    __\|/__
        #\     wWWWw
        \ \-. (/. .\)
        /\ /`\/\   /\
        |\/   \_) (_|
        `\.' ; ; `' ;`\
          `\;  ;    .  ;/\
            `\;    ;  ;|  \
             ;   .'  ' ;  /
             |_.'   ;  | /)
             (     ''._;/`
             |    ' . ;
             |.-'   .:)
             |        |
             (  .'  : |
             |,-  .:: |
             | ,-'  .;|
         jgs_/___,_.:_\_
           [I_I_I_I_I_I_]
           | __________ |
           | || |  | || |
          _| ||_|__|_|| |_
         /=--------------=\
        /                  \
       |                    |

Oh yeah, it’s ON!

www.geocities.com/soho/7373/july4.htm

Free Animated Patriotic Gifs

In anticipation of a steller Independence Day, please enjoy this slew of patriotic animated gifs.  If only I still had a Myspace, I would go post these on everyone’s pages, am I right?

Simple and straighforward. Nice.

I'm gonna need to find this bracelet before Saturday.

Shocking.

Getting weirder..

This is NOT ok!

Alright, scratch that.  This July 4th is going to be a disaster.

www.freefever.com/animatedgifs/patriotic.html

Weekly Roundup: Watch Out, Ronald McDonald

In case you were considering leaving any small children unsupervised at various Louisiana McDonald’s playgrounds, you might want to read up at The McDonald’s Playground Page.  You’ll be able to familiarize yourself with all of the equipment and also realize that perhaps BK is a better option (or perhaps not).  Regardless, this is certainly the most insane website I’ve ever seen, and it had some serious competition:

• A troublingly thorough website devoted to McDo’s playgrounds, complete with crude gifs and maps of popular setups.  If you’re scared of Ronald McDonald & Friends, you may find this somewhat disturbing.
• A bit more wholesome: a really gigantic fan site for Legends of the Hidden Temple.  The inclusion of an impossible online “game” and guestbook full of angry fans is much appreciated by The Attic.
• What’s the different between rapping communists and rapping trotskyists?  No seriously, I’m asking.

There’s plenty more websites out there.  I think I’ll have to dig up some patriotic gems for the holiday, but in the meantime, enjoy this oldie, and learn a little bit about the American flag.

Hip Hop Thursday: We Are Trotskyists And We Know How To Rap

Your typical Trotskyist, of course, is a follower of the theories of Marxism, as advocated by Leon Trotsky, duh.  Your typical Trotskyist, however, cannot lay down dope rhymes.  As you may have guessed, these are not your classic communists.  Check it!

We are Trotskyists and we know how to rap,

We Are Sick Of All This Petit-Bourgeois Crap.

Because We Stand For Independence Of The Working Class,

We Don’t Dissolve Ourselves In The Reactionary Mass.

Ballerrr!

If you’re curious about anything Marx/Trotsky, then this is a pretty good source.  There’s, like, ten pages of stuff at the bottom of the page.  But it doesn’t rhyme so I didn’t read it.  Come on, it’s Hip Hop Thursday, yo!

This did, however, catch my eye:

A surprisingly comrehensive list.

I feel a little mislead by the title, however.  I haven’t seen any other “rap” except for their opening lines.  Plus I went to their new website, and it looks like they totally sold out!

So bourgeois.

www.angelfire.com/ca/gentrotsky/

1st fan site for LOTHT – The Heart Room

If you’re lucky, you can still sometimes catch reruns of this ancient Nickelodeon game show on a few obscure channels, but these can be hard to track down.  If you need to satisfy your craving for Legends of the Hidden Temple, might I recommend The Heart Room?  You know they take this stuff seriously when you see their tiled background image:

My new desktop image.

They’ve got everything: the rules, the cast, a comprehensive guide of every single room that was ever in the Temple, and documentation of epic Temple Runs.

Season 1 Ep. 1 setup: a classic.

Pretty exciting stuff, am I right?  Well I lied and there’s even more: a rudimentary online game and a mother****ing guestbook!  I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to play the game, but I’m impressed nonetheless.  Fortunately, the guestbook proved a little easier to figure out.

It'll never work. Nick is the Ahmadinejad of syndicated television.

Wait a second, Maggie, where were you during the LOTHT Riots of 1995?

www.geocities.com/lotht2001/heartroom.html

BONUS: This site lives on at www.nicklegends.co.cc/.  It’s not in the same awesome Geocities format, but this one is apparently still updated and isn’t going to disappear in a few months.

The McDonald’s Playground Page

Holy hell, I’ve found the apotheosis of personal websites.  Why someone would take the necessary hours to create a website like this is completely beyond me, but thank god someone did.

That someone?  Frank15: The Lord of Angelfire.com.   This man created a website devoted to McDonald’s playgrounds, and created his own rudimentary gifs of both individual playground pieces and popular layouts!

I'm thinking upper thigh tattoo, right?

Geez, I wish I quote this entire website.  I think the best comes from his reviews of specifc Louisiana playgrounds, however; his passion is palpable–

Generally, I didn’t like when the ball pits moved into the playgrounds, since it meant a lot of old, better equipment was going away, but considering all that was lost this time was a bouncy thingie–which got replaced by a second hamburger bouncy thingie anyway–and we actually gained–yes, gained!–the spinning hamburger, it was a rare upgrade where we kids came out ahead! Yes! Have to love the spinning hamburger! Makes up partially for the lack of Big Mac. [emphasis not added]

This is from a review of the 1990-1992 playground setup of the Chalmette McDo’s–it recieved a C+.  This review was also accompanied by a somewhat questionable map:

Why not "Ball Pit" and "Baby Ball Pit"?

This man is clearly very devoted Mickey D’s, maybe a little too much.  I’m nominating him for a full scholarship to Hamburger University ASAP.

www.angelfire.com/la3/goldenroad15/mcdonalds.html